Q. My ex continually tells our 10-year-old the gory details of our divorce. Our child doesn’t really understand what he’s being told and comes home with wild stories — some parts are true; other parts are completely off. How can I help my child understand what’s real without badmouthing the other parent? What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. Parents often try to sway their children to “their side” after a breakup and feel that “setting the record straight” is the way to do it. But a child does not have the emotional or cognitive framework to process adult relationship details, especially the painful or blame-filled parts of a divorce. They experience confusion, fear and pressure to make sense of something that was never meant for them to carry.

This is where Rule No. 1 of Good Ex-Etiquette, “Put the children first,” must guide your response.

When children hear adult divorce narratives, they try to organize what they hear in a way that feels emotionally safe — or at least makes sense to them. That’s why your child comes home with stories that are partly true and partly wildly off. His brain is filling in gaps, not to mislead, but try to make sense of it all.

Your role is not to correct your ex through your child. Instead, your job is containment, not correction. When your child shares confusing or alarming information, resist the urge to interrogate or fact-check.

A grounding response might sound like this: “Getting a divorce (or breaking up) was an adult decision that your dad and I made together. You don’t need to understand the details or worry about any of it. That’s our job. We both love you and always will.”

You cannot control what your ex says. But you can control what your child experiences in your home. When one home feels calm, predictable and free from adult conflict, children instinctively recognize it as safer.

The key here is not about correcting the story. It’s about protecting the child from having to carry it. That’s good ex-etiquette.

Dr. Jann Blackstone is a child custody mediator and the author of “The Bonus Family Handbook.”/Tribune News Service